Funny Status Messages

   Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.

   I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that's my stuff!"?

   I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.

   According to my sidebar ads, I am a fat lesbian who needs a new Honda.

   Why the f$ck are you driving under the speed limit when you were in such a hurry to pull out in front of me?

   Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.

   A man in Florida has been sentenced to six months in prison for stockpiling weapons at a compound just 11 miles from Disney World. Eleven miles from Disney World? So . . . in the parking lot?

   Bought a CD of ice cream van music.Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.”

   one good thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbours

   Facebook: the only book teens read these days.

   My annoying neighbors challenged me to a water fight, so i'm posting this status while waiting for the kettle to boil..

   A friend of mine once commented that huamns are the only species to go out of our way to obtain milk after we've been weaned, I replied that we were the only species with cookies.

   Right now, my bracket is like a drunken one-night stand: sloppy but still doable....

   SCIENCE FACT: If you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

   running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.

   If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.

   People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Helmet strapped down, crayons sharpened, it's going to be a great day!

   Was in hospital waiting room and had sat on a newspaper that was on the chair. This guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" Didn't really know how to respond... So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again...

   Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..