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Why the f$ck are you driving under the speed limit when you were in such a hurry to pull out in front of me? 
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
A man in Florida has been sentenced to six months in prison for stockpiling weapons at a compound just 11 miles from Disney World. Eleven miles from Disney World? So . . . in the parking lot?
Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.
one good thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbours
Facebook: the only book teens read these days.
My annoying neighbors challenged me to a water fight, so i'm posting this status while waiting for the kettle to boil..
A friend of mine once commented that huamns are the only species to go out of our way to obtain milk after we've been weaned, I replied that we were the only species with cookies.
Right now, my bracket is like a drunken one-night stand: sloppy but still doable....
Bought a CD of ice cream van music.Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.”
SCIENCE FACT: If you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
You know in the future its gonna be pretty common too say, "So grandma how many tattoos do you have?"
I just got a text from a wrong number that said "I think my ex is stalking my friends"... so I replied back "No I'm not."
Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind."
There is NO WAY that Bert and Ernie are gay. They haven't changed their outfits in 25 years.
I'm gonna go old school and drop my status updates in an envelope and start mailing them to all my friends daily to help bail out the Post Office...
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It's H2OMG
I'm sorry Febreeze.. I don't believe the commercials where you take the two blindfolded women into a crack house and the kitchen with the decaying meat tray and they smell Yosimte National Park.. :-/
Daughter: iPod.... Son: iPhone.......Mom: iPad.......Dad: iPay
OK England, we will see your wedding and raise you a funeral. 