Yes, m@sturbation is a pleasant, yet quick diversion. Scratching one's own b@lls however, can provide hours and hours of limitless entertainment. At least that's what my dad says.
I was texting on phone with my mom. She asked me if the weather was really bad. I typed, "Nah", but autocorrect spelled: 'Nag'. Now she won't take my calls.
I believe I've just serendipitously solved the world's energy crisis. They need to start using English Muffins as insulation. Those things retain heat for an eternity after they pop out of the toaster. (I didn't need these fingertips anyway.)
I walk into the 7/11, and the female clerk says, "You look JUST like my fourth husband!" I said, "Really...you've been married four times?' She goes, "No. Three."
I can't believe Charmin Bathroom Tissue. I shared with them a great marketing slogan, and they rejected it: "Just like the Starship Enterprise, Charmin circles Uranus in search of Klingons."
Girl in new relationship: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL! A week later...after she catches him cheating: THAT NO GOOD &*(^! I'LL NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN! Next day: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL!
If I'm going to go to the trouble of wishing your sorry, unknown, only 87 friends a$$ a happy birthday, the least you could do is acknowledge it with a "like".