Hot Tea Funny Status Messages

   Normally my dog opens the door with his face, tonight he sat and looked up at me when we got to the door. So I opened it with my face, I can see now why he's not a fan of this method.

   Instead of drinking beer today I'm drinking wine, because I have a cold and wine has vitamin C.

   How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there! I've killed, like, 15 zombies already! How come they are all holding candy?

   I needed to find a donut shop. I didn't want to attempt to start up the GPS on my phone while driving. I followed a cop. It took 4 minutes.

   I'll start to believe video games cause people to be violent when I see someone get arrested for killing a pig by slingshotting a bird at it.

   I've fallen down the stairs before. I don't see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.

   A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud.

   Romania's entire government has a complete collapse today and the #1 item on the news is some has-been country singer getting popped for being drunk.

   set my phone to "Airplane Mode" and it told me not to call it Shirley.

   My money is on Sacha Baron Cohen playing Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in the biopic.

   Women have to shave our armpits. Whose idea was that? That's a concave area with a straight razor. The best I can do is a mohawk.

   Yes Officer, I do know why you pulled me over. To single-handedly destroy any chance I had of accomplishing my New Years Resolution goal of becoming a Saint before the sun even came up this morning.

   I think I'm ready for a man in my life again. I cleaned out one drawer...in the kitchen, two inches of hanger space...in the hall closet and enough room for one pair of shoes...on the porch.

   I don't know about you, but I can't wait to be ashamed about what I do this weekend.

   If you're not with me, you're against me!! And, if you're against me...well, hello there!! ;)

   In my next life, I pray Zinggers don't taste so good.

   Wonders how much I will go for on ebay. Let the bidding begin!!!

   What do you think it means if there's no fortune in your cookie?

   excited about Fat Tuesday! Not so excited about Headachey Wednesday though.

   I have so many "get into heaven points" from so many people "praying for me" to "save my soul" that I can safely cause hell on earth.