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Snotty Funny Status Messages
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[date night].. Waiter: How is everything?... Me: *whispers... Waiter: Sir?.... Wife: *sigh,, He says his carrots are touching his peas.
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01-10-2017 17:44 by
snotty
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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys.
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01-04-2017 13:23 by
snotty
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Actually,, I thought I was the only one who did not know the words to Mariah Carey songs.
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01-04-2017 13:19 by
snotty
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If you want to know if Santa has you on his “nice” list,, or his “naughty” list,, Just ask Russia,,, and they'll just hack it for you.
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12-16-2016 21:56 by
snotty
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I realized how pathetic I am,,, When the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignored my knock knock joke...
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12-16-2016 21:52 by
snotty
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All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.
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12-14-2016 16:36 by
snotty
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Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.
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12-14-2016 16:02 by
snotty
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*at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have
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12-14-2016 15:53 by
snotty
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Well OBVIOUSLY,, Winter is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.
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12-12-2016 20:44 by
snotty
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I would watch “The Bachelor” if the next bachelor was Chumlee.
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12-11-2016 19:31 by
snotty
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Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.
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12-11-2016 19:24 by
snotty
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You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
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12-10-2016 16:22 by
snotty
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I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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12-10-2016 15:34 by
snotty
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Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.
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12-09-2016 18:17 by
snotty
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Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.
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12-07-2016 07:48 by
snotty
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COWORKER: ...and so, my big toe got cut off.... ME:. *farts*.... Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant
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12-06-2016 19:55 by
snotty
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Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time
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12-05-2016 19:28 by
snotty
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Felt good to get back to work after the long holiday and get back to my regular pooping schedule.
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12-02-2016 22:08 by
snotty
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FYI: It should be illegal to play a doorbell sound on TV... Or a siren in a song on the radio
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11-30-2016 17:14 by
snotty
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WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't
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11-30-2016 00:19 by
snotty
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