Leeferd Funny Status Messages

   enjoying deleting friends on Father's Day. I'm pretending I'm disowning my children.

   It'll be a while before hearing a commentator say: "Tiger Woods struggles to come from behind" doesn't make me giggle.

   Other countries would fear us more if, instead of a nickname for a holding cell, the "Drunk Tank" were an actual weapon.

   If "Vampire In Brooklyn" had been a bigger hit, we could have all lived the rest of our lives without these damn "Twilight" movies .

   always beats Edward Scissorhands in rock-paper-scissors.

   A dog is man's best friend. In some states, they're friends with benefits.

   There's a guy sitting next to me on the plane that looks like Jesus Christ. Just handed him a bottle of water and said, "Merlot, please."

   tired of these rock bands all sounding the same. They should all just rename themselves "Puddle of NickelCreed."

   I'm putting out my own sex tape. Sure, it's only duct tape, but you can use it for sex too.

   I've seen as many smart people today as Stevie Wonder has.

   Guys with phone holsters surely would have been gunned down quickly in the old west.

   My MIL takes the F out of MILF.

   John Mellencamp was a visionary because he knew that Cougar in 2010 would have a very different meaning

   Dear 5 Hour Energy, What in the HELL is your idea of this flavor you call "berry?" Dingle?!

   wished mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

   wants the Micro Machines Man to do my eulogy.

   Snap! Crackle! F*ck!? Did I just put something metal in the microwave?

   I like to pretend I'm a judge on "So You Think You Can Dance" when I'm at the strip club.

   Some people say I'm too brutally honest. The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids.

   wonders what the guys from Color Me Badd are doing nowadays because I need a new roof.