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Aaron Funny Status Messages
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Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.
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01-10-2013 08:19 by
Aaron
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Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?
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04-06-2016 19:49 by
Aaron
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My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
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05-26-2011 18:44 by
Aaron
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Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..
109
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09-08-2010 22:26 by
Aaron
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Honestly, I love every single some of you.
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09-11-2010 09:01 by
Aaron
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I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
86
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07-10-2013 13:47 by
Aaron
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Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.
149
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11-02-2010 23:11 by
Aaron
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"Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."
126
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02-17-2012 20:51 by
Aaron
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Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.
126
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03-20-2010 15:28 by
Aaron
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Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"
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07-16-2013 17:27 by
Aaron
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The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.
63
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02-06-2013 18:44 by
Aaron
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I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital
63
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11-12-2012 19:46 by
Aaron
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Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.
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04-02-2013 17:46 by
Aaron
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Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”
63
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02-05-2011 14:39 by
Aaron
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I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
63
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04-30-2012 19:53 by
Aaron
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Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.
63
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07-27-2010 04:28 by
Aaron
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Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.
63
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10-14-2010 22:56 by
Aaron
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The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.
63
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01-18-2011 17:22 by
Aaron
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0
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If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
269
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04-02-2012 17:58 by
Aaron
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In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
229
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09-09-2010 22:52 by
Aaron
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