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I had a star named for you. Now everyone can look up in the sky and say "look, there's the Tremendous Ass!". 
Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
Some people mistake kindness as an invitation to suck the goddamn life right out of ya.
When someone says they are so so happy, are they really happy or just somewhat happy??
I’m white but I’m not Betty White.
A recent survey showed that more than 73% of all recent survey statistics are made up.
Women are like drinks in a party; if you leave them alone, someone will steal them.
Some people think it's them against the world, when actually, it's usually them against themselves.
There's always a window of opportunity in your room for improvement.
"MORNING!" "MORNING!" "HEY!" "YO!" "NICE DAY!" "YEAH!" "I LIKE SEEDS!" "ME TOO!" "I HATE CATS!" "SO DO I!" - birds at 4:30 am
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
It’s cute how some people hide the fact that their uncle inappropriately touched them as kids by starting fights with strangers online.
I think I've fallen in hate with you.
why do rapppers ask us to make some noise? You are the one with the band and the microphone
Sometimes I'll scream out "FACEBOOK WH0RE"!!!!! in the middle of the mall just to see how many of you are out there.
Never date someone that you don't really like. the desire to be wanted is different from the desire to be with the one you love
The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to his wife or girlfriend. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.
As it turns out, most people don't even notice when I'm withholding sex from them.
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The guy that wrote the script for "Gremlins" originally meant it as a documentary about having kids 