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When I don't need it, I find it. When I need it, I can't find it. 
Seriously, what are you expecting to happen when you take nude photos of yourself? Especially when you are a dumba$$ whose password is "12345"
I'm not going to apologize for it, cause the truth is I'd do it again.
Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns
Nothing is sexier than a woman wearing a team sports jersey and cheering on her team. Other than a woman who's not wearing a jersey..
I met a woman who told me she wanted to walk a mile in my shoes. I guess she liked them because that was three weeks ago and I haven't seen her since.
Not sure what's going on. C-3PO and R2-D2 just abruptly took off in a cruiser and said they were headed to New York.
Just in case you are wondering....I did not go to Jared.
Just bought a "Flux Capacitor" off eBay!
"getlost@youLoser.com" seems like a strange email address, are you sure you wrote it down correctly??
The new ending to Harry Potter is lame. He says Abra Cadabra and Steve Miller reaches out and grabs Voldemort.
Anyone want to lend me $500.00 until Thursday June 20th, 2047 ?
I don't think I've ever been told I'm a bad listener.
In hamster years I'm over 2000 years old. Not bad for a chain smoking sugar addict.
If it bothers you when I stare and drool, than dont display them!!!
Just because a few people, most of whom were drunk, said you are pretty, doesn't automatically mean you are a model.
You're not gonna be in a relationship very long if you can't keep YOUR relationship business to yourself.
when I heard Gaddafi was found in a large dirty hole I instantly thought...'what a place to hide: Paris Hilton's private part'!
my spider sense is tingling. Or maybe its just the tequila and beer mixing with the whiskey.
what the fk is a kardashian, and how the hell do you get a bieber pregnant? 