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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then sell it and use the profits to by a gun. See if life makes the same mistake twice. 
-- Note to self: 'Cancel cruise to Indian Ocean. No chance of rescue if boat capsizes.'
Well, I guess II'll wait a bit before I go out. A wasp has flown into my truck. He's has since claimed the truck and is prepared to fight for it. He is a one-wasped army and I'm pretty sure he's in some sort of attack formation.
So, Dexter is really The Brawny Man?!? Gee thanks, Showtime....
According to Facebook, Jackie Chan has died 486 times. I must admit that is a rather incredible stunt...
I am thankful for bean dip. The wife is thankful for air-freshener.
A man is a man all of his life, but a woman's just horny until she's your wife.
If I win powerball, first thing I'm doing is getting a vasectomy,Ain't none of these hoes getting that money
Two things you'd say to a cat but never to a woman: "Stop licking me." "Get your b utthole away from my face."
My wife walked in the room with crotchless panties and said eat this. I said hell no look what it did to your underwear.
Just watched Kill Bill volume 1, couldn't hear a thing.
Couples Advice: never go to bed angry. Stay awake for weeks, slowly going insane as your body and mind collapse in on themselves.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Today's IDGAF award goes to the guy who named the fireplace.
My therapist told me I need to live every day as if it were my last. So, here I sit, eating a pint of my favorite ice cream and weeping.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.
If I've offended you, you need more help than I do.
I have auto-correct for my voice. It's called my girlfriend.
Dennis Rodman is visiting the Vatican as it elects a new pope. This doesn't sound good.
All voicemail systems tell you the date and time of the message, so can you please, please, please stop telling me what time it is. 