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I love the looks that can only be shared with you and another customer in a grocery line 
Some girls say that they need a boyfriend to keep them warm in the winter. I just bought a coat
that moment when your sarcasm is so second nature people actually think you are stupid
I remember my grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket... "Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Y.O.C.O. = You're Only Cute Online
Just finished everything that I had on my To Do list for today which was just a drawing of a set of boobs on a Post It note.
I wonder if Fabio finally believes its not butter?
Most Americans are overweight according to a study done by my eyeballs.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can't stop calling the addiction hotline....
What the heck is there a "z" in "LOLZ" ... Laugh Out Loud... Zebra?
eating the papers inside his books hoping that it will go straight to his brain
Getting so tired of the whole "Occupy Wall Street" protest... it's getting old. Besides, have you seen these people? Half of them look like they should be occupying Bourbon St., and the other half don't look smart enough to occupy Sesame St...
planning to streak on The Today Show.
"another Celebrity just went KABOOM!". Will tell you who it is for just $19.95, here's how to order.
I may not go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.
I hate the government but I fly the governments flag, support the governments troops and swear by the governments constitution as a symbol of my hatred.
Accidentally used the dog's shampoo and my hair is super shiny but the neighbors won't like what I just did on their lawn.
America, you might call this a presidential election, but the rest of the world is viewing it as your IQ test. And it's not looking good....
Why did the semen cross the road ? Cause I wore the wrong socks today ...
silence is golden. . . but duct tape is silver. 