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You smile I smile, you get hurt I get hurt, you cry I cry, you jump off a bridge, I'm gonna miss you.... 
New T.V. show idea... BEER FACTOR. "How many beers do you think it will take to get him/her to eat this bug?"
Those females w a big a$$ who can't sit still in the club. They just have to walk by you 50 times. Yes yes I see it, its big, now sit down.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even convince a girl to sleep with me.
If Morgan Freeman was smart then he would record himself giving his eulogy.
Pro tip: Naming your auto repair establishment "Rim Job" may end up biting you in the A$$
How much does Morgan Freeman charge to narrate a sex tape?
Girls are never cuter than when they pretend that they’re easy going at the start of the relationship
'Why are you walking away when we're in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! At least give me your number!'
No YouP0rn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work for crying out loud.
.... If you had to choose between voting for Hillary and getting shot in the leg ...... What caliber would you ask for?
It’s 2015, why don’t we have hover-boards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything
Son needed a topic for his science project and I suggested "A Science Project That Wasn't 100% Completed By Dad."
Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty. Judge: What? Me: I had my name changed to Not Guilty. Judge: You're Not Guilty? Me: *Moonwalks outta there*
I make breakfast for my 1 night stands. In hopes they tell there friends about me.
Now that the 4th of July has come and gone, who's Right's, Belief's, or Heritage should we isht on this week?
I wonder if, Wes Craven died in his sleep....Or did he go out with a Scream?
WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE ......... WE HAVE ...... well, I'm not sure WHAT we have actually ....... it is Very Dark in here.
Chipotle diet plan... Eat a 1300 calorie burrito... get E.Coli... crap and puke out 1600 calories!
Sometimes you just have to let the anger guide you. 