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If you're always feeling a little grumpy, next time try a different dwarf... 
"I want a man who takes control but isn't controlling" - Women
Technically, it isn't pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Want to make a good first impression on a guy? Ask questions about him, seem interested, listen, giggle and swallow.
Santa has elves. America has China.
It's not a real relationship until you secretly start to hate each other.
Even if incase the moon landing episode was fake... You have to give Neil Armstrong credit for planting an American flag somewhere, without killing anyone.
Who names these hurricanes? I don't want to die in a hurricane named sandy, I wanna be wiped out by the cyclone of doom, the hurricane of pain or even the population ripper but please god, not sandy!
It just hit me.....I will never get to experience a fried Twinkie
Every f'n idiot with Instagram now thinks they are a photographer. Knock it off.... You look like a tool.
As a kid I remember my dad taking us to a hill and rolling us down in tires. Them were Good Years
I really, really, really enjoy being off of work.
Tom, an 80 year old man, failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Damn big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.
My 1 year old is an absolutely terrible waitress. Food is everywhere and my beer is unopened.
Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas.
I think if they named all the huricanes after men, they probaably would never make it past the Virgin Islands...
- Oh, you don't like me? Go stand in line with the rest of the haters waiting for me to give a f-ck!
Dear "LOL".....Thanks for helping me make people think their jokes were funny.
PHEW!!! I thought my food stamps were going to vanish.. 