Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
"They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with. 
I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.
You laugh at me because I'm different but I laugh at you because you're all the same.
If you're married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
ESPN reports that Manny Pacquiao has filed sexual harassment and inappropriate touching charges against Floyd Mayweather for all the hugging and grabbing from Saturday night's fight.
Fact: The 2013 Boston Red Sox have more beard weight than any team in Major League Baseball history.
I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg question...the rooster.
Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got divorce. He spend 27 years in prison getting tortured and beaten everyday of his life for 27 years. He got out of jail, spent 6 months with his wife, and said. I CANT TAKE THIS SHI%
I'm on a tequila diet. So far I've lost 2 days, my keys, and my favorite heels.
Umm. . . Unless your muzlim, women in the USA had the right to vote in the 1920's
I hate when people don't know where "to" put quotation marks.
Progressives are so used to f---ing everything up they need their own insurance company......
6 yr old: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?...Me:Umm, I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.
I love the Macys Thanksgiving day parade. Where you can watch your favorite stars lipsync to their hit songs!
on a spinny chair... now you see me... now you don't... now you see me... now you don't...and I get a paycheck for doing this lol
Apparently each year, more people get killed by donkeys than in aeroplane crashes.So to summarize, if you ever see a donkey on an aeroplane, you're in f*cking trouble.
The Name is Bond, Uni-Bond. I'm here to fill your crack!
Guess what? I've got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
It's illegal to text and drive, but it's not against the law to work on ur laptop whilest driving. Thanks policeman for making that clear.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink; when they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." 