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And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve 
Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye. I am now parsley sighted.
Every thing I know about politics, I learned from School House Rocks.
how do you scare a bee ? BOO-BEE!
Why is it that people think they are invisible in their cars while they are picking their noses?
Maan !! You're 20 years old & she's 15 years old, HOW COULD YOU CALL IT RELATIONSHIP ? IT'S BABYSITTING !
When it comes to sex, women who date asians appreciate the smaller things in life.
The Census Bureau admits to undercounting over a million residents in California.....Congrats to Schwarzenegger for managing to cover up all those illegitimate kids!
When I sense that some one is talking down to me I like to see just how dumb I can act.
Ya KNOW your getting old when you come across one of those soft porn flicks while flipping thru the satellite channels late at night and all ya think is "Geez that bed looks comfortabl
B0ners are just d!cks that stand up for what they believe in.
The one person you would take a bullet for is usually the one behind the gun.
Ladies: Never die a virgin! Apparently when you get to heaven a virgin you get to be one of the 70 wives of a suicide bomber…
Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but I think they forgot to mention Morons.
I wrote a country song for my ex; its called: "I'm Missin' You, but my aim's gettin' better".
I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.
0 mutual friends, you're not even from my country, how the f*ck did you find me!?
I saw a sign that said 'NO PARKING' so I took out a sharpie & now it says 'NO PARKING UNLESS YOU ARE AWESOME' & now I found a parking spot.
I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria.
Avoid arguments on facebook with someone who types faster than you... 