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"Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook 
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs. I've been to the museum..... It's obvious they starved to death.
If you didn't hear it with your OWN ears or see it with your OWN eyes, don't go passing it on with your OWN damn mouth!"
so....has anyone else ever noticed....that Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born....I guess Kurt knew....
Going to make some TShirts that say "I'm with stupid" with an arrow pointed down at my weiner
My Internet just went down... Looks like I gonna have to settle for time with my wife
If I root for the Saints today... does that count as going to church?
thinks the legalization of marijuana for medicinal purposes should have been part of the Health care Bill.
Sometimes I regret surgically removing my feet and replacing them with wheels... But not today!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Haven't heard much from Clinton lately...she's trying hard to think of something truthful she may have said and trying to build a pathetic campaign around it.
Note to men, if you really want to understand how a woman's mind works - imagine a browser with 2687 tabs open.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
BREAKING NEWS: Hackers find Hillary Clinton's deleted emails. Discover they are nude selfies and commit mass suicide.
had a threesome last night, usually I only use 2 fingers
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Teacher: From all this noise I assume you're done working Student: From all this b**ching I assume you're still single
Somewhere in the hood somebody mama is using they child's name to keep the house phone on.
Drinking game for the Presidents speech: Drink every time he says jobs and economy.
I want to name my dog Stains..... so when I call for him to come inside, I can yell "Come Stains!" ......and see how many neighbors give me dirty looks.
I'm going to start telling people I don't drink. Because I don't think a few beers once a week really counts. I'm not always a Hypocrite....but when I am.....I prefer to contradict myself with Dos Equis. Stay thirsty my friends 