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instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club 
Why are all the porn sites down at the same time? What am I suppose to do now, my job?
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles on repeat.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory No weirdos
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like a G.I. Joe action figure that has been put in the microwave on high for 20 minutes.
Wait, what if I'm allergic to Kleenex?
It's not hotter this year. It's just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Best moment to sleep: 10% - in the evening. 90% - in the morning.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love? Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting.
Just once can we make someone regret inviting 10,000 people to their Facebook event.
"This is the one I use for wiping" - Handshakes
I'm willing to bet very few women would appreciate the humor of giving birth on Labor Day, ya know, at the time.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you. So I took her to Subway... and that's when the fight started...
Watching the VMA Awards: if Keith Richards saw what music has become, he’d be spinning in his grave. 