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If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians. 
I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!
To every girl suffering from many friend request..............Put your real picture without makeup as your profile pic.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murd.r for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.
it is comforting to know the last person Osama Bin Laden saw on this Earth was an American
When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!"
Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of LIberty.
Maybe it's Maybelline... Maybe it's Photoshop.
can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I know I have work the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before execution.
She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: (1) How much did you make last year? (2) How much have you got left? (3) Send amount listed in part 2.
will never wear a red shirt at target again.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing,someone else does.
500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...
A horse told me not to drive home last night.I think there was a cop on top of it.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade
You know when you need a vacation when you start pretending the shower head is a waterfall!! ; /
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"
+ + + R.I.P Claude Choules.....the world's LAST surviving veteran of WWI, who died peacefully at his hostel home in Salter Point, Western Australia, at the mighty age of 110. I salute you, Sir. May you have the long, dignified sleep you deserve. + + +
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
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