Funny Status Messages

   When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

   Gay Divorce Court is going to be hilarious.

   I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.

   Coming home from work today, I just saw a guy sitting in a rowbaot in his front yard in the rain with a case of budligtht. Even though I've never met him, I'm convinced that he's good people

   Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.

   Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day. <HATE

   I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.

   come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines...

   If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians.

   Maybe it's Maybelline... Maybe it's Photoshop.

   I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!

   To every girl suffering from many friend request..............Put your real picture without makeup as your profile pic.

   First, love yourself. Everyone else, get in line.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murd.r for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   it is comforting to know the last person Osama Bin Laden saw on this Earth was an American

   When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!"

   Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of LIberty.

   and in other sports news a WNBA player announces she is straight. #courage

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.