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If aliens ever flew overhead and observed me walking my dog leading me around with a leash picking up his poop behind him I wonder if they would confused who's in charge of this world? 
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin. Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge? Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep. We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe. - me receiving an invitation of any kind
Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Like people who leave their Christmas decorations up all year I left my Halloween decorations up and saved a lot of work thanks to the spiders!
This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...
idk who "go round" is but all the kids on the playground want to marry her
If your ever wondering if a tree is of the Dogwood variety you could tell by its bark.
Shut off my Facebook birthday reminders. So let me wish everyone who's planning on having a birthday year a happy one! because you're special like that.
Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to bend them in half until they break, and then shake the s*** out of them until their light turns on.
Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.
Big deal Times Square. I drop the ball at least 3 times a week.
May you all have a prosperous New Year.......... I may need to borrow money.
*The only differance between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.
Hey if you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
You know you're fat when you only need a cup of water in the tub when taking a bath. 