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When I start thinking people aren't that bad, all I have to do to ressucitate the hate is go grocery shopping 
the song "100 bottles of beer on the wall"...most not be much alcohol in them if you can keep track of 100 beers you've drank
New machine at the gym,,, Brilliant!! but I couldn't take any more after 30 mins,,,,,, It did everything: Kit-Kats, M&M's, Snickers, chips......
Must have caught the 'Bieber fever'; Every time I hear about this pr!ck, I feel like puking.
2nd greatest holiday gift for someone you love. The receipt.
I believe that I am the only one that gets that Walmart buggy with the deformed wheel.
You can wake up someone who is asleep but you can't wake up someone who is pretending to be asleep
Somewhere in the ghetto is a family that leaves the lights on in the kitchen so the roaches don't take over at night!
I'm one of those people that tried this at home
Part of me thought I wouldn't be using a sock as an oven mitt at this point in my life. Another part is like "Big boy is using the stove!"
Police marksmen covering disturbances at Dale Farm have been required to open fire three times..........they won a goldfish,teddybear and inflateable hammer!
I'm dressing up as the ghost of the 2011 NBA season. It's not like anyone is gonna see me or care to see me anyway.
NASA has received funding to develop a tractor beam. Step 1: Buy new pants for nerds who just wet themselves.
I'm in shape: Unfortunately it's the wrong one.
Pirate pick up line 101: "I love your eye-patch and how it brings out your other eye."
I'm feeling lucky to still have enough room in my head for all the things that shouldn't come out of my mouth.
Wife math: "it was like 100 bucks" = it was at least $250.00.
My grandfather recently beat my grandmother to death... Not in a physical way... he just died first.
"okay" = everything's cool. "okay?" you make no sense. "okay..."= you're creepy. "okayy" = I dont care. "k." = don't talk to me any more.
I'm not fat. My stomach is just 3D. ;) 