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After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...! 
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.
If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.
[shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening
I'm not worried about Werewolves, Vampires, Zombies or Haunted Hotels .... I'm worried about what real Human Beings will do to other Human Beings.
It would be nice if Mexicans took some initiative and MadeMexicoGreatAgain
Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Question, is the word buttcheeks all one word or should I spread them apart?
. Since when do you need a ID to buy a box of cereal ?
Well ... Maybe if I renamed my package "Facebook" she might actually get on it
I'm really not a "know it all"... For instance, up until recently, I thought cunnilingus was an Irish Airline.
1. Go to Starbucks. 2. Order coffee. 3 Tell them your name is Waldo. 4 Leave.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I ate on Fat Tuesday, Gave me Diabetes Type 2.
As cold as it is outside, today might be a good day to double-up on my underwear.
WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.
Don't You know what they say about Martini's?....Martini's are like T!tt!es.. 1's not enough and 3 too many!
It's so cute how the outdoors try to compete with the internet. 