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It was a simpler time when we believed George Michael was straight and Prince was gay 
The only real importance in life is getting ahead. Head. I meant to say head.
I'm kinda the dark, handsome type. If it's DARK, I'm handsome.
Frogger taught me the importance of looking both ways before hopping across the road.
Throw caution to the wind. Throw indecision to a tornado. Throw anxiety to a cyclone. Basically, If it's windy make real bad decisions.
OK Cupid reviewed my profile. They suggest I get a puppy.
Relationship status: Looking for someone to rub me the wrong way...
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
*Nude Pic* INAPPROPRIATE *Black & White Nude Pic* ART
Tomorrow is Canada Day, maybe we should all go out for some good Canadian Cuisine to celebrate
"What's your name?" "Who's your daddy?" "Is he rich like me?" These "reset your password" questions are getting kind of weird.
Ketchup's popularity skyrocketed when they stopped calling it tomato jelly.
I got the kids Frozen yesterday... and the sperm bank only charged me $100 for doing it...
The genie that I rubbed to get my three wishes was not a genie at all. Anyone got bail money?
Before coffee: I hate everyone. After coffee: I have so much energy to hate everyone.
I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.
Only men with beards can truly understand How much a cat or dog loves to have their chin scratched
"Not sold in stores, available online only" just means "if you ever saw this in person, you'd never buy it."
The scariest thing about dating is that you either break-up or get married.
ACA's, CMA's, ACM's...country music is working on having as many stupid awards shows as college football has pointless bowl games. 