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Just saw graffiti of someone's Twitter name. It's official- the world is ending. 
why are most king-size comforters so ugly? My bed is not an obese woman in need of a flowered, polyester muumuu.
You have to realize women love challenges. They always want what they can't have.
What do Apple and the US economy have in common now? No Jobs
If I die young: Put me down as courteous enough not to overstay my welcome.
you know why some people always run their mouths??..because talk is cheap and for some, it's all they can afford
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
I fight evil wherever it may be….except in dark, scary places.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.
Where's the Kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth shattering kaboom
principles. If you don't like them I have others.
never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning. Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to work" self?
The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
Cremation..........think outside the box
How is taking a chainsaw to a Nissan a quality test? Perhaps the commercial is trying demonstrate rescue tools for emergency personnel to use after an accident.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy owed me a lot of money!'
Stay strong; the best things in life are worth fighting for.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Dear Chile --- When you're done rescuing everybody, can we send you Ryan Seacrest, Britney, Lindsay, Paris and Snooki? 