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Randy Travis' meltdown was so bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it. 
I like going in for a Vasectomy and then backing out at the last second just so someone else can shave my junk.
Top tip: Cereal is less fattening if you don't butter it.
guess how many people gave up looking for work and started selling heroin.
When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..
Guys who come to work smiling, congrats on your morning beejay.
Some of the greatest relationship tips come from watching CSI.
If I notice you've lost weight and ask what your secret is, and you say, "Diet & exercise!" I will punch you in your skinny face.
Justin Bieber has planned a trip to space. He's going to boldly go where everyone wants him to stay.
The tattoos girls lower back should all read; "This Side Up."
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
Wine is a fruit, right?!
Don’t let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.
I've decided not to get married until somebody asks
HELPFUL HINT: Table saws work on other stuff too, not just tables,, for example,,, I have two couches now.
I have heard of videos going viral, but now it hurts when I pee..
If you don't want me to bring party hats and confetti, don't include the word 'party' in "Search Party."
BRIAN ESSBE 8 hours ago If Lance Armstrong and Oscar Pistorius have taught us anything, it's don't trust athletes with missing body parts
Whoever made murder illegal seriously did everyone I know a huge favor. 