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I do not look at porn online. I watch online videos where people are so happy to see each other they make love naked. 
All I want for Christmas is you...hit by a bus!
Nobody likes the person that asks, "Well, where did you put it last?"
Muggers are gay. I mean how does a grown ass man want my purse?
Can't remember anything after about 9pm last night, but given that I just found my comb in the peanut butter jar, I don't think I want to.
This traffic cop obviously has not heard that 60 is the new 30...
Ghandi, MLK and Nelson Mandela are heroes of mine because they preached non-violence and also I don't think they wore Tap Out t-shirts.
I really don't get interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much, by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
My a$$hole neighbor has this unhealthy obsession with washing eggs off the side of his house and car.
I'd like to title myself as self unemployed ...
I'm sure I have annoying habits as well but lately my wife is doing this thing where she ages.
Post some more song lyrics as your status. Someone will eventually understand your struggle.
Instagram...now everyone thinks they're a professional photographer.
Honey, why don't you take a break, you're working too hard." = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
Everybody is somebody's weirdo.
Drunk Girls: Can you take a picture of us? Me: Sure! Drunk Girls: You just took a picture of the floor. Me: It's better this way.
Now, I'm not making any accusations, here. All I'm saying is it's a little suspicious when a farmer decides to call his pig "Babe"...
Dear paranoid ppl who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, if you do find one, what's your plan?
I did NOT pee my pants! I was marking my territory. These pants are MINE!
Since the UPS guy won't knock on my door like he should, I'm going to put a motion activated taser by the door. When I hear the THUD, I'll go get my package. 