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I wish people would just listen to my advice. I have invested many years f*cking shlt up so you don't have to. 
If Miley Cyrus wore a g-string, you'd still be able to see the string.
I'm pretty sure twerking is mentioned somewhere in the book of Revelations
I don't think the country that sells Dolly Madison Pink Frosted Zingers should be preaching about using chemical weapons on people.
I'm gonna fill a piñata with actual animal guts ! That's what I call a surprise party kids !
It's been a good Mothers Day only negative is mom didn't finish the 7 pound omelette challenge so she had to pay for breakfast.
The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."
On the weekends, I'm a Cupcake War reenactor.
Okay I'll stop. But I'm not going to collaborate or listen.
I think it's time for a new Gordon Ramsey cooking show called "Microwave Meals From Hell!"
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Show me on this doll where the evil Monday touched you.
Trying to figure out who's a better actor, Paul Walker or this ham and cheese sandwich I just made.
Life holds many challenges an can be quite frustrating. Especially for you because you're a dumba$$.
What if we found out that there's no such thing as Federal Bikini Inspectors and those guys in the t-shirts are con-men?
I lost respect for my wife when she accused me of lying that time I caught syphilis from a pay phone.
Blood really is thicker than water...this bathtub has been draining for over an hour now...
must of had the laziest Easter Bunny come over to the house. He didn't bother to color or cook any of the eggs...plus he hid them all in my fridge.
I survived the Mayan Apocalypse and all I got was this lousy hangover.
Give me four hours with you and you'll know why god made you a woman. 