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a 5 yr old who must be alot smarter than me, because I din't know everything until I was a teenager 
Playboy in 3-D! Take that, 18 billion hours of free, readily available Internet porn.
Woman's Favorite Position is CEO.
don't you just hate it when you think you've bought a mail order bride on a Chinese language website, then realize you've adopted a panda?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't drool.. I shed mouth tears of joy!
U can close ur eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close ur heart to the things you don't want to feel
Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.
You know it's a bad day when a three legged camel points to your girlfriend's crotch and asks for his foot back !!!
I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.
Dear complicated life decisions: be easier.
Do you have to fly to go get one of those TSA airport pat-downs? Just asking
no idea what I am doing...................................but when I do it I drink Dos Equis!
You know its going to be a rough day when you wake up on the wrong side of someone else's bed and don't remember how you go there.
"It sure is nice to not be out shopping." - sane people
I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.
I like my woman like I like my eggs....overeasy.
May your dirty socks crawl up upon your face as you sleep
I hate all these derelicts that come into my office asking for directions to Social Security they are going there to make sure they get money from the government, do you think it is wrong that I gave them the directions to the Department of Labor Job Enf
if the shoe fits, buy one in every color. 