Funny Status Messages

   whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"

   if you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Man...that is the last time I wash down an Ambien with Nyquil. According to the angry voicemail from my neighbors they were not happy about me dancing naked on my roof singing the ghostbusters theme song in Spanish. I don't even speak Spanish.

   Surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

   So I just bought a retired drug sniffing dog. I think it was a good investment cause he already found 3 bags of weed I misplaced!! Hell yea!!

   I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.

   I can ytpe 300 wrosd pre mnitue.

   1. Say "Dale!" 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.

   gdfdyddhfjhsglqtpgng MACARENA gfsfjkdhkwgjldhlasgjebhhf MACARENA dhshjfdhjfbfjhgnnnnbbnh MACARENA EEEEEEEEHH MACARENA

   At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.

   Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?