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Man...that is the last time I wash down an Ambien with Nyquil. According to the angry voicemail from my neighbors they were not happy about me dancing naked on my roof singing the ghostbusters theme song in Spanish. I don't even speak Spanish.
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11-21-2010 12:43 by
John D
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Surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.
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11-25-2010 09:38 by
Wolf
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I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.
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12-01-2010 08:14 by
Marshall the Great
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whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.
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12-26-2009 01:30 by
tahirjahi
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The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"
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03-27-2010 14:18 by
Marshall the Great
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if you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)
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03-29-2010 16:29
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I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
148
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09-27-2010 17:47 by
Marshall the Great
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I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.
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10-09-2011 16:20
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I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
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02-23-2011 18:36 by
Marshall the Great
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I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.
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08-08-2011 16:21 by
Aaron
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So I just bought a retired drug sniffing dog. I think it was a good investment cause he already found 3 bags of weed I misplaced!! Hell yea!!
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11-03-2011 22:30
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I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.
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02-24-2012 10:07 by
SuthernFukr
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You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.
131
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02-16-2012 10:28 by
SuthernFukr
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When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.
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02-21-2012 12:46 by
Maureen
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I can ytpe 300 wrosd pre mnitue.
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11-30-2011 23:25 by
poc
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1. Say "Dale!" 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
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06-06-2012 05:18
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gdfdyddhfjhsglqtpgng MACARENA gfsfjkdhkwgjldhlasgjebhhf MACARENA dhshjfdhjfbfjhgnnnnbbnh MACARENA EEEEEEEEHH MACARENA
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01-05-2012 09:58 by
fadolo
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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.
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01-08-2012 08:03 by
hihuggiehi
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Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?
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01-19-2012 17:50 by
BEGO
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Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?
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12-15-2012 14:08
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