Funny Status Messages

   I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.

   I can ytpe 300 wrosd pre mnitue.

   gdfdyddhfjhsglqtpgng MACARENA gfsfjkdhkwgjldhlasgjebhhf MACARENA dhshjfdhjfbfjhgnnnnbbnh MACARENA EEEEEEEEHH MACARENA

   At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.

   Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?

   1. Say "Dale!" 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.

   Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you

   just got my Xmas wishlist back from Santa with a little note attached... It said "LMAO! HELL NO!!!!

   I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.

   Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license...

   everybody always says, "say no to drugs," but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

   Don't break anyone's heart , they have only one.... Break their bones , they have 206 of them

   When you're a fast texter, two minutes is a long time to wait for a reply....

   It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.

   I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!

   My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.