Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If you truly love someone you roll down the window to scoop out the fart you put in the car.

   When someone doesn't like the taste of peanut butter I question their loyalty to the United States.

   Few things stress me out as much as a waiter who doesn't write the order down.

   sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish using my voice to just sing in the car instead of saving the music industry

   I just got caught masterbating to a National Geographic magazine...i don't know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist

   If the NBA season is canceled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June.

   Having to poop after a shower is basically your body's way of pranking you.

   When giving a tour of my apartment, I just point at things and say, "I got my head stuck in that."

   Hurt my back while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."

   The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.

   Made eye contact with a stranger today. Turns out strangers don't like it when you touch their eyeballs.

   I wish I was as nice to everyone as I am when I leave phone messages for complete strangers.

   Shia LaBeouf has every vowel in his name, which might be the most interesting thing about him.

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there

   When anyone says to me "I need to talk to you", every bad thing I've ever done in my life flashes before my eyes

   This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather

   Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.

   My doctor told me to take more walks, so this will be my fifth cakewalk this week. I've gained seven pounds.