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Alcohol was my dad's answer to everything. He didn't drink. He was just lousy at quizzes. 
Something a wife would NEVER say to her husband: "Could you please stop washing the dishes and sit down and have a beer with me, I can't hear the game!"
If you fall, I'll be there - The Floor
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . have fun
Facebook is a major city, Twitter is a vacation spot, and My space is a ghost town.
Being a single independent person means, you're not dependent to your family and friends too, is that right?!
That lady from the target commercial scares me.
I need to get a santa suit and walk into the strip club to see what the girls will to do santa to get off the naughty list.
Yes, Christmas comes but once a year. So does every other day! February 29th, now theres a day to celebrate!
A toast Gentlemen, To girlfriends and wives. May they never meet
What's this "Sex Slavery" that everyone is talking about? And how do I enlist?
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Whenever a couple tells me that their baby was born premature, I glare accusingly at the father.
Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!”
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and sh!t.
Spring has Sprung and Summer is Here , Temperatures are a Rising that means you'll be Perspiring , Keep you Deoderant handy and your Panty Liners near cause Soggy Bottom Undies are something we all FEAR
I know the world is NOT going to end in 2012 because Marty McFly traveled to the year 2015.
Doggy style was invented so you wouldn't have to miss any of the game to get laid.
Reminder - Valentine's Day is only a coupe weeks away, it's not too late to break up.....
I don't care how Hillary sends her emails as long as she doesn't start sexting. 