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being home all day with my kids don't affect me at all. Now let me go tinkle on the potty before we go bye-bye to din-din I'm so hun-gee! 
My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS...Its not!..It's about crabs.
I'm more confused than Ricky Martin's kids on mother's day.
Why do brides wear white? So they match the other kitchen appliances.
I LOVE beating women... ...to the door so I can hold it open for them
Heads up folks. Apparently the little AAA stickers don't count as "proof" of insurance. That is all...
Anti-Birth Control Christians should remember that when G0d said 'Be fruitful & multiply' there were only 2 ppl on Earth.
"No, I'm not talking about Twitter. I literally want you to follow me." - Jesus
I'm celebrating black history month by playing Pokemon black version. You know, gotta catch Jamal!
When I'm old & my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals, stand over the caskets, & whisper "I won."
As you Mature, you learn that you cannot make someone love you!.....All you can do is Stalk them and hope they panic and give in!!!
#ThatMomentOfPanic when the 2 year old's parent asks, "Who hurt you", and the child points at you..............FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!
To all the people who failed out of high school, just remember two things: 1) At least you tried your best, and 2) I said NO tomatoes on my burger, b!tch!
I have a reoccurring nightmare that I am startled by bank robbers who shout "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" and I get shot in the face for dancing.
the cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!".
What's this ♫♪ 'Crazy little thing called Love'? People say ♪♫ 'Love will keep us alive' but then ♪♫ 'Too much love will kill you'.... now 'I want to know what love is'. ♪♫
True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...
wondering what the weather's like in India. I think i'll call my bank.
I think Fb is stupid. Last time I tried changing my password to penis and Fb said it 'wasn't long enough'. How the hell do they know?
Girls that are 16 and pregnant may look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34. 