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I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. 
On Columbus Day, we celebrate the discovery of places that have already been happily occupied for years.
Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a Honda Accord
Says: He may wear the pants.. But I CONTROL The Zipper!! hehehe!
Men suck... Sent from Kitchen
Son: Dad is it ok to love a midget, Dad- depends on if your nuts over her
Been watching these 2 black guys shake hands for the past 28 minutes.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Dear spelling and grammer Nazis I'm righting this hear to distroy your intire day. May korekting this update be the only thing you thinc of the hole weakend. Sinsyearly, Me
Left Cocoa Puffs on the Eater Bunnys chair at the mall!
Got my umbrella taken away at gunpoint.....damn Burlington mall
I wonder if they get hurricanes in India? Let me call there and find out, what the number to AT&T?
Sometimes I call Domino's Pizza and order a pie. I ask them to repeat the order, then I say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99...please pull up to the first window."
if someone ever asks you what your favorite kind of beer is tell them " An open one!"
Having sex is like playing poker. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
"Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed.
You say, "Not my President" but I bet your phone went off.
I feel sorry for people who get to the end of their life and realize they had wasted it trying to do what somebody else wanted them to do. Be your Truth, not someone's lie.
My Spiritual and religious friends, I'll never go to church with you. My fit and Healthy friends, I'll never go to the gym with you. My Drunk and high friends, when and where?
(`-`) (._.) ('-' ) (._.) ( '-' ) (' -'), Oh excuse me! Just looking for a F*ck to give. 