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That girl is a LOBSTER! All the meat is in the tail. 
it is so hot I saw a bird use potholders to remove a worm from the ground
if you catch your woman having sex with another woman, just say the three magic words, "Tag me in!"
"God has a sense of humor. Don't believe me?... go to Walmart and just look at people."
Supervisors never get sick but their employees are sick throughout half the year...
Anthony Weiner just needs to call Bill Clinton and get advice from a pro.
OMG! Maury Povich just pulled up with a camera crew.. My fathers day just got complicated.
Monday is like a math problem. Add irritation, subtract sleep, multiply problems & divide happiness. I hate Mondays!
If I swallow magnets will I be attractive?
She asked if I had any experience operating heavy equipment, there's smoke coming from her v@gina now.
I'm so broke, my bologna don't have a first name!
Dear eyelashes, wish bones, dandelions, pennies in fountains, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles. YOU FAILED.
Well, in happier news, I was shocked to step from of the shower and find out I was out of deodorant---so I smeared a magazine sample of Old Spice "night life" under my arms until I get to the store...Macgyver ain't got nothin on me!
One of the hardest things to do when you're playing toys with a 5yr old is to let him beat up ur superman action figure with the robinaction figure he's using without explaining to him why that would nevereverevereverfuckinghappen....ever
I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken...
Only 33 days until the end of the world. Why is everyone acting so normal?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.
Being a slut won't solve your problems, it might solve mine, but it won't solve yours.
"Seriously, do I need a breaking news update on my phone about Kim and Kanye's kid pic that was shown for the first time today? God bless them all, but England's new baby heir to the throne pics were the best of all time!"--- Taylor Swift. 