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Which wine pairs best with murderous rage? 
Drank so much coffee my ponytail has a heartbeat.
You don't have the right to say "the struggle is real" when your ass is still living with your parents.
Bernie Sanders need to start drinking decaffeinated coffee.
President Kennedy put a man on the moon and President Obama put a man in the ladies bathroom.
It's so cold I actually saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets...
Really? Snooki is going to be IN the ball as it descends on NYE?!? And the cast of the Jersey Shore will lead a fist pump? Does Al Qaeda have a request line??
gonna have to go fight the holiday crowds at Wal-Mart. hmm.. Long Bow or Broad Sword?
You have no idea how bad I want to write "Navidad" under the "For Lease" sign up the street!....Just Sayin...
I'm not your knight in shining armor.... I'm more like a jackass covered in aluminum foil
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Why is in that in America they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I Think there is in every girl's life a boy she'll never forget and a summer where it all began.
Every woman on facebook wants to be a Model, Every man wants to do a model....so I guess it works out
Why don't the blind go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
has never been good with foreign languages. He just tried to wish someone a happy birthday in Spanish, and what he wound up saying was, "The hooker chews on poisoned lugnuts."
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse..
Seriously? The iPad? I'll just wait till they come out with a sleeker version... the iTampon.
wishes mean people would go live on the planet Uranus.
"Do you have faceboook?" ... "no but I have a myspace!" ... ummm 'we dont speak the same language' 