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Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat" 
When someone is bringing more sorrow than happiness into your life, it's time to show them the exit door.
Being an Ahole to chicks to get rid of them is like menstruating to get rid of bears.
Just lost my job at the funeral, I guess I'm just not a mourning person
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Went to Walmart in my bum yard work clothes today ..but strangley did not feel out of place...
B**ch please. Don't confuse hate with jealousy.
I invented an app that detects your proximity to an obstacle as you walk and text, then takes your pic on impact and posts to Instagram.
My neighbors are slamming doors and screaming at each other, keeping me awake. I retaliated by playing Nickelback super loud, We all lose tonight.
Schwarzenegger is making yet another Terminator film. I'm not saying he's old, but this time Sarah Connor will be played by Angela Lansbury.
Well if he is the Duke of Wellington, I guess they could name him Beef.
The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.
The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.
The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.
Yo, Australia! Is the apocalypse happening? I need to know if the orgy I'm currently having is validated or if it will just make my husband upset.....
I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to bang the hell out of her.
Studies have shown that people who masturbate have longer lives then the people who dont... Guess that means my a$$ is living forever...
Putting Vodka in my juice because it's Russia somewhere...
Hi God it me again. I'd like to return these feelings, they're faulty and make my eyes leak. Thank you.
I'll listen to your views on climate change right after you shovel my driveway. 