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I hate it when teachers say, “You think it's funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn't I wouldn't be laughing… 
In kindergarden they call them cooties. in high school we call them STDs...
I can't stand homeless people. I don't feel bad about saying it. I don't mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.
firing bottle rockets at blue hairs wearing 4th of July Snuggie's!
When you judge someone, it doesn't define who they are, it define who you are.
When you say your life is a joke I really feel sorry for you because it's not even a funny one.
The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.
If I look intrigued while your talking to me it's because I'm thinking about how to give less f*cks about what you're saying.
“The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
if Obama is the answer, it was a stupid question!
The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, All fear is gone. I don't know about the rest of you, but I think that's pretty AWESOME!
Treat your girl right, or another guy will
hope my wife gets her next period in a shark tank
What do you call a gay driveby......................A fruit roll-up!!!
George Zimmerman has been back and forth to jail for murder, battery, gun charges and now assault and Still keeps getting bail!?!? The Florida justice system is an embarrassment
You haven't lived until you've passed through a birth canal.
Did you get those pants on sale? cause I can get them 100% off
I dare you to walk into the cookie factory and say "Hi I'm here to apply for the fudge packer position".
WANTED... Illegal immigrant to act as a mud flap for a 1978 Ford Cortina. Must be flexible and willing to travel. 