Funny Status Messages

   There are a lot of pro bowlers in the NFL... I really admire two sport athletes.

   Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools and economy are in great shape or I'd be mad.

   Before updating my status l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

   Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.

   ever noticed on sponge bob that krusty crab is in bikini bottom...?

   it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

   Kindergarten class reunion? No way, man. Ive put on like, a hundred and fifty pounds since then.

   To my Family & Friends. There were probably many times this year when I may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves. So today I just wanted to tell you. Suck it up cupcake! There are NO CHANGES plan

   If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.

   The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that's coming.

   If you ever find yourself thinking...man I really need to go out and buy myself a Clay Aiken cd...please delete me as a Facebook friend

   Am I the only one that when somebody says "10 years ago", thinks about 90's instead of 2002?

   HOW can dogs sniff out bombs, save a guy from drowning, keep you from walking into traffic, but CANT figure out how to UNWRAP themselves from around a tree!

   too much TV this morning and now I can't decide whether I want to rescue a dog for $19 a month or save a child for $15 a month...WTF

   Bad: Waking up and finding a pen!s drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced.

   Friend request > Poke > Message > Phone Number > Text > Meet > Bang

   Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : "In other news Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch. Details at 11".

   Suicide Bomber Training: "Pay attention because I'm only going to show you this once..."

   Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat." muhahahahaaa.,

   I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.