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I'd rather lose an eye than show an old person how to use a computer. 
A woman with big boobs will never truly know if she's actually interesting.
So the electric motor on our ceiling fan went out. We had a old blender that was about to be a yard sale item so I modified it and rigged it on the ceiling fan. Now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....
just saw barbie sitting on pinnochio's face screamin "lie you damn puppet, lie!!"
I've got 99 problems but being black ain't one
Im not saying all IPhone users are douchbags. I am simply saying all douchbags are IPhone users =)
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids...
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
REALLY annoyed. I got asked to leave the supermarket for doing what one of their supid signs said: "Wet Floor." Bunch of retards.
give me what I want, and no one gets hurt
and then Buffy staked Edward. The end.
Government opens. Confederate flags at half mast.
Today's Jeopardy Category "Inspirational Presidential Quotes".. UGH..UGH.. YOU KNOW MAN...THE THING!
Just name the damn royal baby Monday since everyone hates it already.
If I meet my maker as a result of gun violence , let it be said that I went in a shootout not a shooting .
OMFG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
If my dad were alive today he would say, "Stop telling people I'm dead".
why do people seem to care what beauty pagent contestants say? I can't see them winning a nobel prize
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? It changes your blood type.
My girlfriend left me because she was sick of my xbox puns. I guess we didn't really kinect. 