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Remember, alcohol is way cheaper than therapy. 
I can't decide if insane people own multiple cats or if owning multiple cats makes people insane.
It takes two people to fall in love + one to wreck it.
Sometimes I see people and think, "Is your face supposed to be like that?"
when the therapist asks about your relationship with your parents, just say "non sexual" that will answer them and keep them quiet for $100 an hour!! Well worth the facial expressions.
FACT: If you keep a crossbow in your home, you're 70% likelier to be shot and/or laughed at by an intruder with a gun.
I feel like people would take clinical depression more seriously if we started calling it Frown Syndrome.
No thanks bar hag. If I wanted a boozing, chain smoking, pot bellied skank, I'd stayed married…
Hey God, Would you please test me to see if I could handle being rich?
"This movie has been formatted from it's original version to fit this screen." How in the Hell do they know how big my TV is?!
cant decide whether midgets look at St Patricks day as a "payday" or a "dammit! I have to hide in my little house" kinda day.
You are about as much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Today, I ask that everyone read my posts in the voice of Forrest Gump.
Suddenly Oil prices are more intresting than all this hype about Tebow!!!
Where the hell is easy street?
It's only a matter of time until The Homeless start accepting Credit Cards.
I just randomly chose 5 homes and placed "For Sale" "Open House Tonight at 6pm" signs in the front yards. Now I sit and wait for the fun to begin.
My mother used to hide the eggs in the same place every Easter... the dairy section of our local supermarket.
Telling a cop you are so high you thought you were in London wont get you out of a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road.
Two silk worms had a race ....they end up in a tie .....(Rimshot) 