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A huge sink-hole opened up and swallowed a Florida redneck while he was watching TV in his bedroom...If only a few of these were conveniently located under the Whitehouse and Capitol Hill, America might be a better place...Just sayin. 
Does anyone know where I can get a "Don't blame me, I voted for Romney" bumper sticker?
Cooking pork chops in the toaster
Did anybody try turning Steve Jobs off and then back on again? That usually works.
The good thing about this country is we have freedom of speech...the bad thing about this country is we also have Michael Moore.
I don't like the idea of having to go on in a world where good people like Robin Williams is no longer with us, but Justin Beiber is still alive and well.
Since this is the last time for the space shuttle, I think we should all dress up as extras from Planet of the Apes when they land
Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up.
I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.
I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.
The girl who invented the phrase "all guys are the same" was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.
… you might be gay if you bend over and see 4 balls
If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.
Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.
You ever catch a glimpse of yourself at the right angle in the mirror, naked and about to get in the shower and think "Damn, I need a picture of that."?
Religion and morality don't need each other to exist.
Oh WoW! You've dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? Really? How brave!!!.... Now…I'll have a number 3, no cheese, extra Jalapenos and diet Pepsi to go…
"Look at my face, does it look like I care?" - "Well by looking at your face, God didn't care either"
's inner child has diaper rash.
Early preview of tonight's State Of The Union: It sucks. We're broke. Quit *itching. Goodnight. 