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flinnie Funny Status Messages
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Page: 27 of 33
The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.
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04-18-2012 09:02 by
flinnie
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I wish more parents let kids choose their own names. Then everyone would just be named Spiderman or Ariel or Fruit Rollup.
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04-18-2012 09:00 by
flinnie
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If cats could drive they would all drive Volvos and not like you.
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04-18-2012 09:00 by
flinnie
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When I meet someone and I get a "Nice weather we are having..." I say, "My dog's toys taste salty!" I find it moves the conversation along.
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04-18-2012 08:57 by
flinnie
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Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.
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04-18-2012 08:56 by
flinnie
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I tried to come up with the most horrible baby name possible & settled on Adolf Judas Kardashian.
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04-16-2012 12:09 by
flinnie
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I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.
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04-15-2012 18:41 by
flinnie
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Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.
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04-15-2012 05:58 by
flinnie
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Can we just be honest about something: when is ziti ever not baked?
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04-15-2012 05:51 by
flinnie
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Remember, nothing you do will be remembered.
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04-15-2012 05:40 by
flinnie
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I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare him down while I order something completely different.
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04-14-2012 06:23 by
flinnie
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I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
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04-14-2012 06:21 by
flinnie
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A study found alcohol makes men better at problem solving, which is good news unless your problem is alcoholism.
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04-14-2012 06:20 by
flinnie
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Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 200 facebook followers as dependents?
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04-14-2012 06:18 by
flinnie
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"At least you're not the lady who got her face eaten by the monkey." - My response to anyone who ever complains about anything
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04-12-2012 08:11 by
flinnie
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Daytime commercials assume there are a ton of great inventors that watch crappy shows and are super gullible.
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04-12-2012 08:05 by
flinnie
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When a woman asks for your opinion, they don't want to hear your opinion, they want to hear their opinion in a deeper voice.
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04-10-2012 09:11 by
flinnie
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"You're so vain. You probably think this universe is about you." (Carly Sagan)
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04-10-2012 09:05 by
flinnie
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Scatter seeds of kindness and peace will grow, you stupid idiot.
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04-10-2012 09:04 by
flinnie
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6 of those Extreme Coupon people could fix the entire US Budget.
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04-10-2012 08:58 by
flinnie
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