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As if those Starbucks barista's weren't already self righteous enough, now they're going to enlighten me on racial issues?? 
Lipstick shade idea: Netflix Red
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
I wish I could slim down my waistline during the Holidays like my wife slims down my wallet.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
Marriage isn't so bad, when you're in a coma.
I just read that Kanye West is furious at "Vogue" for putting Lena Dunham on the cover instead of Kim Kardashian. Also making Kanye West furious? Umbrellas, garden gnomes, unicorns, public parks, extension cords, pita bread, Diet Coke..
A fun thing to do with when you're watching "JAWS" with someone is lean over halfway through and whisper "I think the shark did it."
What do I have to do to get out of work early? Will faking my death be sufficient? Because I'm totally up for that.
So aparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing all wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you have your 6 year old knock it over into your lap.
I broke my finger today, but on the other hand I'm completely fine
[finally gets the car seat installed correctly] Me: Where’s the baby? Wife: In college.
Just answer my question: Is it worth putting pants on for?
It's not a competition until you both go off your meds
In a nudist camp, men and women freely air their differences.
When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look. When a woman gets up, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.
ugh! my new facebook homepage looks like a mug shot photo album now!
Lady luck is a wench. She only shows up when your winning.
Apparently when the interviewer asks if you speak any other languages, the appropriate response is NOT "Innuendo" followed by a saucy wink.
smarter then the averige beare!! ...oh dangit, maybe not 