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already gave my sub to Sally. Now get lost you manipulating b***h! 
We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.
Well it is a new year, a time to start fresh, a time to move foward and learn from the past, a time to begin what was never started, and finish what was put off. It is going to be a good year, I know it, I can feel it and I am going to make it happen.
it just me or does it look like the Carnival cruise ship is leaving a skid mark across Mobile Bay?
I just saw the Easter Bunny buying Easter Grass and Rolling Papers at the corner store.
Getting drunk and waking up in strange places is the only kind of vacation I can afford.
I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground
guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early kill people
A tongue has no bones but it’s really strong enough to break a heart.
I’ll smash a jar on the floor before I’ll let a girl open a jar for me.
Pretty soon, evolution will kick in and women will be born without a gag reflex.
I dont know what it means, but this cougar just said she wants to hug my face with her thighs.
"I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault." ~ girls
Harry Potter and the Soul Crushing Responsibility of Adulthood.
Does anyone know the recipe for 'I DON'T KNOW' because everybody in the house keeps telling me that when I ask them what they all want for dinner.....
I don't want your girlfriend. No one wants your girlfriend... Thats why she's with you!
By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science.
You needn't love your enemy, but if you refrain from telling lies about him, you are doing well enough.
Putting your finger against someone's lips and saying "Shhhh.... Not another word." is super romantic. But the cop didn't think so.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then of course,, you're a witch. 