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I just checked my credit score. Damn it!!! They won. 
I just got mood poisoning from work
I passed my drug test with FLYING COLORS!!! the LSD section anyways...
Dear Kids, go to College…it’s the only time it’s acceptable to be drunk and poor.
You without me is like a Tim Burton movie without Johnny Depp.
How the Syfy channel comes up with movie ideas: 1. Think of an animal or insect. 2. Make it 50 ft tall. 3. Eat a burrito.
I've had six husbands. Seven if I count my own.
I watch p orn for the interior design ideas!
If losing me wrecked your life, you seem to have forgotten what having you did to mine...
Recipes are stupid. What the hell is 2 parts of water?
Picking up women at Jenny Craig meetings can be easy and rewarding but you must carefully weigh your options.
I'm feeling good, I guess that's because I haven't seen anybody today.
Look, all I'm saying is, bears spend half of the year eating and the other half sleeping and they're doing alright.
If she's easy to be around, you have been friend zoned...
We have a good thing going here. Let's not ruin it by "talking."
Dance like the photos not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Sing like nobody's following. Share like you care. And do it all like it wont end up on Youtube!
I often wonder if people think they are invisible when they're picking their nose while they drive, is there some kind of stealth button up there they press. . .
I don't text you, Beer and Vodka does!
I'm not full of hate. There's still room for a little more.
Roger Clemens is coming back to baseball at age 50. Proof that if you work hard and live right you'll lose your roster spot to Clemens. 