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No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday... 
The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.
I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim
If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.
The Pope has now said "there is no Hell". Where am I gonna tell people to go now?
I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.
I can’t decide if I should get married again or try to get a blow job from a great white shark.
Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.
OK. Who was the genius that decided to call them Killer Whales and not Sea Pandas?
For some people freedom is like spring animals seeing the light.
A Dog Calls 911: 911: What's the emergency? Dog: My owner threw a ball but I can’t find it 911: Did you check his hand? Dog: Of course I checked his han—DANGIT!!!!!
It's called "Independence Day" not "Dependence Day" for a reason
Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...
A couple kisses and gropes in public and nobody bats an eye but let a mother breastfeed in public and all hell breaks loose. How did we get to this as a society?
Ironically, Madonna's offer to Hillary Voters was the same one Amy Schumer made to her producers to get her comedy show in the first place.
"Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I'm as broke as a pick pocket in a nudist colony.
Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy.
She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?"
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?
The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion. 