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Quaker Oats is retiring Aunt Jemima products after 130 years on the market due to an outcry of racism. Next up: The removal of Pillsbury mascot Poppin' Fresh, due to numerous complaints from short, chubby white guys. 
Went to Walmart today & y'all should've seen all the commotion. Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, and Uncle Ben were protesting, Texas Pete and Capt. Morgan were getting drunk, Little Debbie was working the corner, and Jimmy Dean was showing everybody his sa
No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...
The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.
I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim
If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.
The Pope has now said "there is no Hell". Where am I gonna tell people to go now?
"Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I'm as broke as a pick pocket in a nudist colony.
Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy.
She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?"
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?
The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.
Attention Everyone: Hillbilly is really Re-run. Don't be fooled by Hillbilly's lies.
If protesting for social justice was good for business, THEN...Kaepernick would have a job! The NFL will soon be in hospice care.
I just checked on my Farmville after 3 years. It's now a Wal-mart
I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.
I can’t decide if I should get married again or try to get a blow job from a great white shark.
Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.
The term "I paid GOOD money for that!" is soo silly..Honestly, have you ever seen BAD money? NOT ME !!!
“Ladies and gentlemen; we are gathered here today because SOMEBODY couldn't stay alive.” - This is why they don’t let me give speeches at funerals anymore. 