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Damn.. who isn't pregnant...? 
If there wasn't such thing as a last minute I'd never get anything done.
Some girls should NOT be allowed to post on facebook during their bye week.
KIM KARDASHIAN - The only thing she'd be happy marrying is a mirror - but even then she might be jealous.
How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there! I've killed, like, 15 zombies already! How come they are all holding candy?
An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 201,000 miles. Scientists have named it "Fernando Torres."
If you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it.
My favorite salad is a bunch of different kinds of Doritos mixed together
I'm currently seeking a corporate sponsor for my retirement.
If self control is not eating a piece of bacon while cooking bacon, then I don't have any.
Women are addicting
I don't follow basketball all that much but based on all you NBA fans' posts it sounds like Howard Stern is much better then this David Stern fellow...
Close mindedness is the most abject form of blindness.
The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.
Yeah, Mr Real stupid.
enjoying the sounds of a 2 year old having a meltdown...so soothing
Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.
I want to be famous and make a cure that saves tens of people!
Manscaping now fully complete!! Waiting on the itching to commence!!
My girlfriend says I'm a bad influence on her kids. Probably because now every time she tells them "Stop," they reply with either "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time." 