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I miss playing Capture The Flag. Adulthood is sad. 
I'm pretty sure my wife friend-zoned me a couple years back...
pallbearers help us crowd surf into the afterlife
I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."
Driving down the road and I see a sign that says "Speed Inforced By Aircraft" So I went a little faster....how cool would it be to get pulled over by a plane?
We need to come up with a medical term for that feeling that you get on a Sunday night, knowing that you'll be back at work for another week come Monday morning. And quickly, because I need to phone in sick for tomorrow.
People think I'm sleeping in this tent to see that stupid Twilight movie, I'm just first in line for Black Friday.
If I were a medical examiner, halfway through every autopsy, I would say "Yep, he's definitely dead." Just to lighten the mood.
When they came up with the phrase "loose lips sink ships", the captain was getting a blow job.
What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common?....In each case there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time...
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
To find Waldo, you must first find yourself
I remember my first crush... It was orange
Taylor Swift - 22 going on 14.
One of the hardest things I ever had to do as a kid was OPEN a Band-Aid with a cut finger... using a stupid red string.
My girl's father got mad at me, for writing my name in piss on the side of his house. I said "what about your daughter sir, it was her handwriting"
I've been calling my friend Keith "Qweef" for the past two years and he has no idea
I'm watching The Alamo Bowl on ESPN. My main concern isn't who wins, my main concern is if I'll remember it.
My father is always advising me to find a girl who has the same belief of me as the family does, and then marry her. Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I'm an idiot?
I am never too busy to draw a d!k on a foggy window 