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I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll have sex with me 
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire?
"Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
Dear New User; Facebook is a revolutionary platform. Don't bring your Twitter tendencies here. Here you are either funny and witty or you go back to Twitter.
Christmas trees are like boobs. Fake ones are nice to look at, but real ones are better.
Ladies; Never die a virgin, apparently when you get to heaven they make you shag a suicide bomber.
People in relationships are usually okay with cold weather because they can cuddle but lonely people are like fml it's cold.
Pitbull's videos = 10% music, 90% porn, 0% hair
My personal workout routine would include jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck & carrying too much weight on my shoulders.
makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.
I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?
Sorry, but I prefer the 8lb, 6 oz prince who wrote "When Doves Cry."
What's the difference between a druggist and a drug dealer? One sells drugs LEGALLY. What's the difference between an immigrant who came to the US lawfully, and one who snuck in? One's here LEGALLY. See?
We are building a fence and I'm gonna make my neighbors pay for it.
With all the transgender BS going on. I am worried about claiming to be a man. I'm confused. . .
So if we defund the police and someone breaks into my house, do I just call the coroner directly or what?
Gonna miss my Obamaphone when He's gone .... But looking forward to my new Hillaryphone upgrade with the new Self Deleting Email, Welfare Check tracking & Get outta Jail Free features. She has thought of everything that us successful Millennials need!!
... So Hillary invites the father of the Orlando Gay Nightclub murderer to sit behind her at her rally! Heck ... least she could have done is asked him to wear shades to hide his identity. Hmm REALLY BEGINNING TO QUESTION HER Ability to represent America
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ― George Carlin
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours? Me: The babysitter 