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I think what I want most out of life is to die in my 90's owing a s**t load of money and shot by a jealous husband. 
If your gonna be two faced at least make one of em pretty!
Im not under the alkafluence of inkahol thet some thinkle peep I am!!!
“There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them
Wrinkles are hereditary. Mothers and fathers get them from their children.
The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids...
I used to live in a residential building until a few hookers moved in on the 3rd floor - now it's a commercial building...
It is hard to believe someone is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in their place.
OUCH! Why does a papercut always have to feel like a gunshot wound!?!
got a Black-Belt in Crazy!
"That's a cool chair." "Yeah, I know. It rocks."
"Silence is Another name for my Pain."
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first.
Not a good idea to Text/tweet and walk at the same time. Trust me, the pole is closer than you think...
I want to donkey punch ignorant people
Right now I'm sitting here looking at you trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass
thankful for the makers of Lysol
Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think...
Paris Hilton thanks fans for their support following cocaine arrest. In other breaking news: Paris Hilton has fans?! 