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I bought a rug from IKEA that ended up being just a needle and 50 lbs. of thread. 
I told my wife I wanted a threesome, and now there is a pizza in my bed. Its stuff like that that got her wifed.
My dinner just consited of beer and trail mix. Being an adult isn't for everyone.
I am passive aggressive, mostly to myself, but I think I can wait it out and it will get better.
Real frogs call him Kermit the Fraud.
My wife asking me to do the first half of the kids' bedtime,,, is like asking me to shake up a can of soda before handing it to her...
I'm starting to believe my toddler's loudest toys are powered by my favorite TV shows.
That kid looks ALOT like me.... Somebody should warn him.
I wonder what Rick Astley is going to give up for Lent?
Don't forget to tell someone you miss them just because you're horny today
I wish moths and I didn't have the same taste in shirts.
No, I don't want extra butter on my popcorn. I'm a boring idiot that hates happiness.
I have a masters at saying dumb things to beautiful women.
I've even started lying about my age on the treadmill at the gym.
I think during every government shut-down, we should declare a Purge, just like in the movie.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Boss: You're on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
If I cut you off and didn't tell you why. That means I lost all respect for you and you don't even deserve an explanation.
I'd play more video games if I didn't have a fully functioning pen*s.
You can make my whole day just by not being part of it .. 