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4 out of 3 people struggle with math 
People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night are burning the Kindle at both ends.
Heard O.J. is gonna give another stab at marriage...
When I was a kid, my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with.
What I like about dogs is you can lock them in the basement over night. And in the morning their glad to see you. Your wife on the other isn't.
What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.
I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.
Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.
George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."
I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.
Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.
I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy
Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.
Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."
Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.
I don't drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
i think the funniest thing in the world is my dad leaving me a msg on my cell thinking that I can hear him and actually pick it up...
Some people are as useless as a "Sign in" button for Myspace. 